Resume — Dr. Elvin Gadd

“Always adjacent to greatness, never quite in it.”

🎓 Education

• Ph.D. in Computer Science — Technological University (1992)
  Dissertation: “A Framework for Detecting Bugs That Only Appear During Office Hours.”
  Committee noted it was “unorthodox, but undeniably noisy.”

• M.S. in Electrical Engineering — Gadget State University (1987)
  Thesis project became a highly effective mosquito repellent, but only when the device was unplugged.

• B.S. in Applied Physics — Slightly Lost College (1984)
  Accidentally declared a minor in Philosophy by repeatedly getting lost in the wrong classroom.

💼 Experience

Associate Assistant Adjunct Research Collaborator (Unofficial), Lab of Amedeo Avogadro — Early 19th Century, or so I’m told

• Tasked with trapping moles around the chemistry lab.
• Later discovered the “mole” Avogadro was famous for was not the animal.
• Contribution: ensured experiments were mole-free, if not mole-relevant.

Unpaid Intern, Alan Turing’s Office — Summer, 1936 (possibly a dream)

• Assigned to keep the tea warm while Turing developed the concept of a universal machine.
• Misinterpreted instructions and built a universal kettle instead.
• Contribution: office morale was up, if not productivity.

Visiting Scholar, CERN (Briefly) — 2012

• Invited to witness the search for the Higgs boson.
• Spent most of the visit trying to invent a boson-themed snack (“Higgs Biscuits”).
• Contribution: distracted one physicist long enough for them to notice a calibration error.

Adjacent Consultant, NASA — Late 1960s

• Brought in to help brainstorm for the Apollo missions.
• Suggested “What if we used a trampoline to launch astronauts?”
• Contribution: firmly established what not to do in space exploration.

🛠 Skills

• Programming Languages: Python, C++, FORTRAN
• Tools:
  • Linux
  • Git
  • Bash
  • Vim
  • Markdown
  • Latex
  • Shell-scripting
  • make Build System
  • pudb Debugger
  • Python Profiler

🏆 Honors & Awards

• Recipient of the Golden Paperclip Award for “most innovative attempt at fastening lab reports.”
• Honorary mention at the Annual Conference on Unfinished Projects (left halfway through).
• Awarded “Professor Most Likely to Accidentally Invent Something Dangerous” six years running.

📚 Selected Publications

• Gadd, E. (2005). On the Feasibility of Coffee-Driven Supercomputers. Journal of Highly Hypothetical Engineering, 12(4), 1–0.
• Gadd, E. (2011). The Case for Using Roombas as a Data Storage Medium. Proceedings of the Conference on Dubious Hardware.
• Gadd, E. (2019). Why My Students Keep Asking Me for Extensions (and Why They’re Right). Teaching & Tangents Quarterly.